


In the Light of the Secret Room

by Fjeril



Series: Fjeril Fictober 2018 [4]
Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 03:39:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16189295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fjeril/pseuds/Fjeril
Summary: It's not that Natsume hates Tsumugi - it's more that he hates everything Tsumugi represents.





	In the Light of the Secret Room

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, it's been a while!  
> I wrote this prompt for Fictober day 4, “Will that be all?”  
> This has been written in like 3 or 4 hours after I came back from school so I can't guarantee its quality at all, but I still hope you'll appreciate it!

Natsume _knew_ he was going too far. He knew it from the bottom of his heart, yet he couldn't just stop right now. Every single time Tsumugi called him he could _hear_ it. He could just _hear_ the nickname he wanted the world to forget. It probably wasn't on purpose; or rather, it clearly wasn't made to irritate him, yet it hurt. It hurt, every single time he heard the birth of that nickname, even when it was immediately turned into his name. He hated it so much he couldn't help shouting at his senior, even though it was unfair.

It wasn't Tsumugi that he hated. It had never been Tsumugi. What he hated was his past. What he had been forced to do, what he wished had never happened. He couldn't forgive the child he had been for letting his mother impose that on him. He couldn't forgive the world for letting it all happen, especially at such a young age. Especially considering the whole impact it had on his life. Worse, he could still remember Tsumugi's warm smile when they talked and spent time together after school. He could remember how they talked together, how he hoped the other one had understood the truth. How betrayed he had felt when Tsumugi said he liked "her".

His senior couldn't know. He hadn't discovered it until they met again in Yumenosaki; and Natsume wished they hadn't. For oh so many reasons already, but for a million more since they had started a unit together, and probably a billion more in the future.

At least, there was Sora. He was a miracle, a real angel, magic that had taken the form of a human. Someone as pure as him didn't deserve to see his wrath and hatred. His eyes should never witness the true violence of the past. He should be turned towards the future only; that was Natsume's resolution.

Still, he couldn't just stop. So, he had taken the habit of hitting Tsumugi whenever he was annoyed at him for some reason. It didn't matter if Sora could see it: it was nothing, compared to all the feelings boiling into him. At least, it felt like nothing, to him.

It wasn't "nothing", and he knew it. He couldn't understand it, but he knew. Tsumugi's gaze was averting his every single time their eyes met. His performances were getting more incertain, his voice was drying up way too early, and he startled every single time they had to make eye contact during their choreographies. Natsume just knew he was responsible for it, and that it broke his heart. All the hatred, all the anxiety he felt weren't worth losing someone as strong and supportive as Tsumugi.

So, he had consulted an expert. Or five. They weren't the best experts in human relationships, but they all were better than him - except maybe for one of them. At least, he had received three good advices, and decided to put at least one of them in practice. So, one day, he got his big brothers to kidnap his senior, and bring him in the secret room. As much as he wanted to keep them all with him, he had more important matters to take care of. So, as soon as Tsumugi was with him, he waved them goodbye, and locked the door.

Then, he examined the nervous man in front of him, from head to toe. His senior was looking away, as if it could save him from something, _anything_ , as if he feared what could happen to him if he dared looking into his junior's eyes. Natsume gritted his teeth, reminded, now, that he had not only broken his own life, but also someone else's. Powerless, he looked one last time towards Tsumugi, before letting his usual attitude disappear.

Natsume wanted to show himself as he really was, and took both his lab coat and jacket. Wataru had recommended him to also take his shirt off, but that sounded like a very bad idea. Instead, he turned his back towards his senior, who hadn't asked any question since he had entered.

"If you don't see my face, maybe you won't be as nervous, **_will you_**?" he asked, hiding his hope in the way he accentuated the end of his sentence.

No answer came, but he heard noises that told him his senior was nodding. Alright, it meant he could go on.

"I won't **_talk_** ," he whispered, "But you **_should_**. Please, **_talk_**. Say everything you want to **_say_**. Tell me how much **_you hate me_**. Go on, say everything you **_need to say_**. Shout at me. Hate me. I don't care, **_Tsumugi_** , just get rid of the weight that's on **_you_**. Be it there by my fault, or by **_anyone else's_**."

He wouldn't pronounce that person's name, but _he_ had played his part in Tsumugi's current attitude too. Natsume was ready to receive his part of hatred, too. If it was what was needed to free the blue bird, then he was ready to receive anything and everything.

Tsumugi, though, seemed speechless. Of course he wouldn't have expected that, and wasn't ready to do such a thing. Of course only silence was greeting him. Natsume even expected him to try and run away. He sighed, ready to turn on his heels - but couldn't even move. Some kind of weight had fallen onto his back, and was hugging him tightly. The weight was shaking, sobbing. The next step were the tears, weren't they? It was annoying, yet he had asked for it.

So, Natsume waited, closing his eyes. He bore with the violence with which his senior's body shook, with the torrents of tears that fell in his neck. He bore with his loud sobs and his hands clutching on his shirt, with the glasses that fell and broke on the ground. But never did he turn around, for he feared Tsumugi would go back to being sheepish.

It took so long for everything to calm down that Natsume wondered if night had fallen already - he didn't care, for he would sleep in the secret room anyway, but his senior was aother story - and if Tsumugi had fallen asleep. A hand cluthing on his shirt answered to that question: he hadn't.

"I don't hate you, Natsume."

The confession came in a broken voice, distorted by the sobs, one he could barely recognize.

"I could never hate you, but I can't keep going this way. I already hate myself for how incapable I am of doing anything, I need someone to tell me I'm wrong, to show me I'm actually able to do something! I can't keep living if everyone and everything around me keeps pulling me down the hole I'm trying to get out of! I need to be cheered on, not pushed lower! Why is it that every single time I manage to breathe, everyone tries to choke me again?! Can't I get to be self-confident, too? Can't I get to be at least a correct idol at some point? No, can't I just get to be a decent human being?!"

Natsume carefully listened to the words being repeated again and again against his back, trying to ignore the sound of his heart breaking, and the weight of the guilt he felt for how much he had contributed to all of it. He took everything into account, noted in a corner of his mind what were the worst points, and started thinking about what he could do to make things better between the two of them. It would take a long, long time. Both of them were aware of it, yet it clearly was worth the try. The first step would be to let Tsumugi know he was wrong on a few points.

Then, when everything had calmed down, he dared speaking, his voice low. Slowly, he enumerated everything his senior had told him, and suggested starting points, sometimes aims to reach to improve the situation. Once they were both finished talking, they let silence take place between the two of them.

"Will that be all?"

He had spoken in a calm voice, trying to cheer on his senior. The hug had losened, enough for him to finally face his senior. He was glad the secret room was so dark, so they couldn't see each other's reddened face, so they didn't have to confront their gazes too much.

For the shortest of time, he hugged his senior back, before picking his glasses up - Tsumugi's terrible vision was an advantage, at times - and whispered a spell against the broken glass. Once it was repaired, he put them back on his senior's face, and smiled.

He had never actually hated Tsumugi. Not when he made his heart beat so much, not when he had even given up on lying to himself about his real feelings towards him. He could never hate his senior, especially after he put those glasses on him. That damned Emperor was wrong.

Tsumugi's best look was the one he had in Switch, with his long hair and his large-framed glasses.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ♥ I'm always happy to hear about your impressions ♥


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